The 11 Most Ridiculous ‘Riverdale’ Storylines So Far
Teen TV has long been a hotbed for far-fetched storylines: One Tree Hill‘s two (two!) psycho-stalkers, Nanny Carrie and Derek; the nonsensical end-of-series reveal that Dan Humphrey was Gossip Girl‘s eponymous blogger; literally all of Pretty Little Liars. It’s unsurprising, then, that the genre’s heir apparent, Riverdale, wasted no time leaning into its off-the-rails legacy.
Two seasons in, the show has yet to jump the shark, but that’s not saying much for a series whose very premise is implausible. Not only is it a purportedly small, idyllic town with two gigantic high schools (in Riverdale, the children way outnumber the adults), but it also has multiple murderers, a history of incest, a matching set of predatory teachers (Ms. Grundy seduced her students, Mr. Phillips exploited them as drug mules), and a burgeoning network of high-level crime. With that many Bad Things™ brewing within a few square miles, Riverdale is essentially a PG-13 take on A Series of Unfortunate Events.
But as ridiculous as the show can sometimes be, it’s also unabashedly entertaining, and with that in mind, we’ve rounded up the 11 most bonkers plot points yet.
Polly is Betty’s older sister, but Polly was dating Jason, who is Cheryl’s twin sister, who is ostensibly the same age as Archie and co., considering she’s seen in multiple classes with them. Was Polly just dating a younger man, or is Cheryl older than the rest of the gang? It should be an easy enough conundrum to resolve, but Madelaine Petsch, who plays Cheryl, skirted around the question during a recent sit-down with YouTuber Shane Dawson. So, like, either there’s something needlessly suspicious going on there, or the Riverdale writers are trying to gloss over a significant plot hole.
The Blossom-Cooper Feud Is Based On Maple Syrup
Once upon a time, great-grandfather Blossom killed great-grandfather Cooper all so he could get his hands on those sweet, sweet maple syrup profits, setting into motion a decades-long family rivalry that’s only intensified over the years. Apparently in Riverdale, the breakfast food industry is a very cutthroat business.
Polly Was Held Captive By Nuns
Setting aside the archaic notion that Polly’s parents had to send her away to cover up her pregnancy, the eldest Cooper sister was straight-up held hostage at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, a haven for troubled youths that should otherwise be a respectable religious offshoot. I mean, the girl had to break a window under the cover of night just to get away. Were those nuns really that threatening?
Clifford Blossom’s Wigs
So they guy wanted to have red hair, but did he really need a weird, secret room to store his wigs in? And why did he need so many? Also, couldn’t he have just dyed it? It’s all a little much.
Riverdale has been host to a revolving door of characters, and on more than one occasion, they’ve flat out disappeared: Ethel Muggs, Dilton Doiley, Midge Clump, Archie’s mom. It bears repeating that Riverdale is supposed to be a small town, so where did they all go? Moose was literally shot by a rogue serial killer. Sure he survived, but we deserve another update at the very least.
Veronica Is A Teen Mobster
Veronica is what, 15 or 16? And she’s ordering hits on her sleazy ex-flings and helping her parents make shady business deals? She’s definitely mature for her age, but that feels like a reach.
Archie’s FBI Team-Up
Of all the people to take down Hiram Lodge, a certifiably dangerous ex-convict, the FBI is going to enlist a wide-eyed high schooler like Archie Andrews, whose makeshift task force to hunt down the Black Hood lasted approximately 30 seconds? Okay, sure.
The Red Circle
Speaking of which, the fact that we were supposed take the Red Circle — a group of shirtless, self-aggrandizing teens — as a meritable threat to the Black Hood was actually laughable.
Cheryl Blossom’s Obsession With Josie
Is Riverdale ever going to re-address Cheryl’s creepy infatuation with Josie? I’m all for Cheryl exploring her sexuality, but there’s a reason those notes were a red herring for the Black Hood: saying things like, “If I can’t have you, no one can,” isn’t only weird, but more than a little concerning. And now we’re all just supposed to go on as if Cheryl isn’t harboring some psychosexual fantasy about her BFF?
Kevin Cruising The Woods
I realize Riverdale is based on a comic series that started out in the ’30s, but it’s hard to believe the only way for Kevin to meet men is to prowl the woods for potential hook-ups after dark. Is the town so behind that they haven’t heard of Grindr? There’s a thing called the internet, Kevin.
Betty Becoming A Webcam Girl
Not only did Dark Betty nearly drown a dude and pull off a strip tease in front of her mom, but now she’s diving headfirst into the world of webcamming, thanks to her own brother, no less. It probably isn’t the kind of family bonding moment fans were envisioning.